Raising Boys

There is this child, who is in the habit of hitting all other kids without any provocation. She happens to be a girl. The other day, she hit 2-3 kids, who ended up wailing. All of them happened to be boys. I am talking about kids between 2 to 4 years of age. The first thing one of the mothers jokingly said to her son in the process of consoling him is “What! How can you get hit by a girl? Are you going to bring dishonor to us?” She is a friend, more of an acquaintance. But still she is like you, me, people we know, people we are friends with. In other circumstances, I find her condemning the abuse cases, crime against women and generally the status of women in the society. This is how we are. We don’t see the connection between the two.

Image source: Huffingtonpost

Honestly, I don’t feel we can change the mindset of current and past generations because it has taken shape over a period of time, influenced by numerous factors. But, future generation? Yes, I think so. As parents of the future generation we have big roles to play in shaping their attitude towards women.    

At the cost of sounding politically incorrect, let me confess that I wanted a son because frankly, growing up as a girl has taught me enough lessons to understand that I would not be able to offer her the opportunities and freedom that she deserves. But it looks like I have bargained for myself a much bigger task. There is no wisdom in teaching your daughter to not get raped. It is more relevant to teach our sons to respect other [men or women] individuals, and their opinions and choices. And this calls for a certain mindset which needs to be inculcated right from the time they are born.   

Sure, our sons will learn a lot from the outside world but there are several lessons that begin at home.

Perception of women

I have a house help who is a chatterbox. She will discuss all her personal issues and her thinking at length. She is sometimes accompanied by her 10 year old son. I get extremely uncomfortable when she starts talking about how she sees women responsible for every man who strays, how she believes a man is right in hitting his wife if she does something wrong? Is it any rocket science to foresee how her child would grow up to perceive women?

Status of Women at Home

I am a stay-at-home mom by choice, and I take immense pride in it. I am empowered to take that decision and my decisions are respected in my household. Nobody tells me my job is to cook and raise children. My husband and I have chosen our roles according to what we wanted. I wanted to raise our son my way. My husband cannot imagine he could stay home without going out to work. For the record, I don’t cook. I know how to cook. I have trained my help to do that for us. But I want to save that time for our son and myself. The thing is when a child sees that women are respected in his home, he would naturally imbibe that as a reality.

Relationship between parents

A child learns a lot about relationships from the relationship his parents share. How do they address each other? How do they fight? Are they respectful towards each other and each others’ views? Do they make sexist comments? Do they put each other down?

The language we speak

Like the example I mentioned in the beginning, there are several examples of sexist comments that could pass our lips if we are not careful and aware. For example, you would find many men commenting on women drivers on the road. It is clearly stereotyping and completely unjustified.

Communication with them

At the end of the day, no matter how careful we are, our sons would go out into the big bad world. They would meet uncles who would say, “Why are you hiding behind Mamma? Are you a girl?” He would meet friends who would pressurize them to “be a man”. Only a strong bond with their parents can give them confidence to swim against the tide.

I feel we have the power to create a better future for our kids, but we need to remember that when we are raising sensible girls, we also need to raise sensitive boys.

Related Posts:

Raising Boys Vs. Raising Girls

The Need of the Hour

When The Days Are Long, But The Years Are Short

“The days are long, but the years are short.”  ―  Gretchen Rubin, The Happiness Project: Or Why I Spent a Year Trying to Sing in the Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun

Though I am yet to read this bestseller, but I have often come across this quote. And I am sure you must have too [especially if you are on any kind of social media]. This quote comes back to me every now and then when I realize how fast my son is growing up.

It wasn’t too long ago, he wasn’t even there in our lives, and look now, our whole lives revolve around this person. It is hard to believe sometimes that the star of our lives, little D, is already 2!

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The Pseudo-Expert

Recently, a friend [fed up of all the Facebook Shares that I do of my posts on Parentous, I am sure], raised his concerns about my ‘expert advices’. I will soon complete one year with Parentous, in December; and therefore, I take this opportunity to clarify that I have always been a contributor, never an expert.

If only, I had everything worked out in my mind, parenthood would not have been as challenging and as revealing as it actually is. He said, ‘for all the advices you dole out, who knows how your own son is going to turn out in future’. And he isn’t wrong. Frankly, I welcome [if not encourage] such comments because they help me take a step back from my situation and try to look at it objectively.

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8 Reasons To Judge Other Mommies [and Daddies]

For this post and this post only, I forfeit all my claims of being non-judgmental of other people. I remember when I was a kid, my mom used to read a Hindi women’s magazine called Sarita. It had a section called ‘Mujhe Shikayat Hai’ or ‘I have complaints against’. This section used to be full of complaints against all and sundry on all kinds of issues. This post intends to accomplish a similar objective.  

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10 Takeaways from 'Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids'

I just finished reading this wonderful book called ‘Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling and Start Connecting’ by Dr. Laura Markham. That does not mean I yell. OK, sometimes I do. But the reason I like reading these books is that I don’t want my inadequacies to influence my child’s life.

Books cannot teach you how to raise a child, but they can certainly offer rational and inspiring insights to become a better parent, and therefore a better person.

This book essentially believes in the simple philosophy that kids are people too, and they deserve empathy, respect and connection. See, on the face of it, we all agree with this philosophy but when we are really having a tough time, we get caught up in ‘trying to discipline’ or ‘teaching the right thing’ or such trappings of being a parent. 

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Roots & Wings

"There are two things we should give our children: one is roots and the other is wings." Hodding Carter

Sounds so beautiful, doesn’t it? But what exactly does it mean? I found this beautiful interpretation by Dr Laura Markham that says as parents we must provide a strong foundation or anchor to our kids so that they feel emotionally secure, and therefore feel confident enough to spread their wings [be independent].

Now ‘independence’ in kids is often misconstrued.   

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Why I Decide To Quit?

… my job, that is. It is a question I often get asked, explicitly or implicitly. I have addressed it many times in different places in different ways.

Let us just begin with the fact that it is easy to get stereotyped in this world. No offence. I have also been guilty of judging other people on perceptions.

So, here’s the story of a Stay-at-home-Mom [a.k.a me] who did not quit her job because she was about to have a baby; but one way or the other that’s what eventually happened.

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Social Media and Parenting woes

Facebook Parenting is destroying our child's privacy - I read this article few days back, and it almost echoes my own concerns about rampant use of social media in general, and Facebook in particular, for sharing personal information. I have written about it in my post titled 'How Much Should We Share' earlier. 

I wouldn't say I haven't done it myself before. In the beginning I was extremely cautious of what I share on internet but later on, after I got used to the social media platforms and more importantly, when I saw others sharing their personal photographs and details, I considered it OK too. 

But being a parent is a different ball game altogether. You start looking at things differently. You start questioning your every move, about its implications on your child. 

Image courtesy: digitaltrends.com

When I see so many mommy bloggers around, sharing such beautiful moments with pictures on their blogs; I feel like doing it too. But I resist. I have a physical diary, to similar effect. When I discussed with my husband, if I should write a mommy blog too; he convinced me that a physical diary in my own handwriting will be much more precious for my child to have later on. 

Here are a few reasons why I don't support putting up excessive information or photographs of our children on the internet [or any platforms for that matter]:

• I don't want to put my child's life out there in public domain. Sharing embarrassing situations are definitely a no-no, but I am much more cautious beyond that, in the amount of information I am posting on the internet. Because as the article also says, once you have put some information online, it stays forever. It is not so simple as deleting a post. If you need a proof, go and Google your images. You will find a lot images which you have deleted from your profiles.
• I don't know how my child is going to turn out. He may become an introvert. In that case, will he like me sharing every piece of his life to public? I want to protect that right of my child to decide what kind of information he wants to share with the public. Who am I to decide?
• And most importantly, what I find most disturbing is: "Children grow up learning that posting pictures of one's self and sharing personal information is typical. We've created a sense of normality about a world where what's private is public. The sense of being entitled to privacy has been devalued." [text in inverted commas quoted from the article]

Having said that, I am not going to keep my child away from internet. In fact, I plan to introduce him to blogging as soon as possible. If used wisely, it is an excellent medium to express without being judged. What more can a child ask for!

5 Tips for Raising Book lovers [UBC Post 27]

Every book lover dreams of having a book lover in his or her child too. Though many kids take to reading themselves but there are certain things which you can do to pave the way for your child into the world of reading.

Here are a few tips to raising book lovers:

1. Start Early. Make it a way of daily life.

Image courtesy: readtome.ca

The best time to introduce reading to your child is now. Yes. The sooner the better. Even one month old baby benefits when they are read to. At that age, you can read just about anything to him. I remember I used to read aloud whatever books I would be reading at that time. Once it was 'Stay Hungry Stay Foolish' ha ha! Jokes apart, make reading to or with your child part of your daily routine. The formative years are the time to instill habits in kids. Make the best of it. We usually read during afternoons since my son used to be quite hyper just before sleeping. We had to switch off the lights for him to sleep. But recently, I started reading before bedtime and he just wouldn't let us drop that even when we are tired or late. He will get the bunch of books. Sometimes it is too funny!

2. Surround him with good books. 
Today there is an extensive range of books for each age-group. With imported books available at online stores and with several Indian publishers [like Duckbill Books, Tulika Publishers, Tara Books, Karadi Tales] creating books for Indian kids, it is a wonderful time to be a young reader. Take time to research and find books that are appealing and according to the child's age. I had shared a list of Fiction books which I have been reading to my son [ he just turned 2]. I will suggest you must read the book yourself first before passing it on to your kids. Not all books available for children in the market are good in quality and content or preaching the values you would like to inculcate in your child. I had shared my bad experience with a few kiddie books here. 

Image courtesy: Pinterest

3. Provide enough opportunities for reading. 
If you have good books but your TV is blaring all the time, chances are your child wouldn't be drawn to opening the book. TV is a visual medium - bright, attractive, dynamic. Compare it with a book. But of course, TV will dumb you down, books will make you imaginative. And I am sure, that is what you want for your kids. So, fix a time for TV [not more than 40-45 minutes for young kids]. 
If possible, create a reading corner for your child. See the picture. Even I would like to spend hours here. This place looks cozy and welcoming. We have a playing area in a corner of my living room. This place is for Dining Table but I have decided to wait for a while before I invite more trouble for myself. He will stand on top of the table or jump around the chairs. This place is just across the kitchen, so if I am doing something, I can keep an eye on him. I wanted to create a reading corner in another room with an open bookcase but at the last moment we felt he would start climbing up the shelves. So, we have dropped the idea for the moment. But I am going to get it may be in another year. 

4. Set an Example. Read yourself.
 Like in everything else, the child is going to copy you. If you are a voracious reader yourself, read all the time, love your books, care for your books; then chances are it is going to rub off on your child too. So, do what you preach. 

Image courtesy: examiner.com

5. Join a library. Visit bookstores together. 
A library will provide you a wide range of books. There are different kinds of libraries these days. There are also the ones in which you can order online and get the books delivered at your doorstep. And there are good old libraries where you visit the library, spend time, select books and issue them. I would suggest prefer those libraries. A library is a place where you will find other readers. It is inspiring to find other young readers. 
Along with library, also visit bookstores together when you go to buy books. When the kids are a little older, allow them to choose some of the books [with your approval of course]. 
Moreover, there are storytelling sessions for young kids these days, like the ones Falak takes. It helps to generate interest in kids through interesting storytelling techniques and related activities.

So, have you got any tip for me? 

Value of Money [UBC post 12]

This post was first published on Parentous.

Since our 7-year old nephew was visiting, who is extremely fond of video games like many kids his age, we decided to take him to a nearby mall on one of the weekends. It has a gaming zone. He enjoyed quite a lot there.

The next day I overheard this conversation between him and his grandmother, my mother-in-law (MIL).

Nephew: I really had a good time yesterday.

MIL: Really? Do you know how much it cost?

Nephew: How much?

MIL: 500 rupees!

Nephew: That’s it?

MIL: So what do you think, you should have spent 1000 rupees?

This is a very regular conversation. But it got me thinking. Is it that in our enthusiasm to provide everything to our kids, we are forgetting to instill the value of money in them?

Do you remember how buying clothes used to be an annual or bi-annual indulgence ‘in our times’? Consider now. We buy clothes whenever we feel like, even when we have not thought of buying, we sometimes buy if we like something. Same goes for toys and books and everything else. And kiddie stuff is expensive these days. We buy it because we want to give the best to our kids. So, there are cupboards full of clothes, there are toys to fill an entire room and all sorts of books, and what not!

There has to be a middle path in which we do not go overboard while also provide our kids with the best in everything. Well, it is not that I have discovered the perfect way to accomplish that but there are few things which I have or would like to implement in teaching value of money to my son (almost 2 year old now):

• When we go shopping, we must have a list; and we must stick to it. Most of the time when we go to malls, we invariably end up buying something or the other. We have to resist that. Personally, with a toddler, these days we don’t loiter around. We discuss where all will we be going and go to only those stores. But yes, when we go to supermarkets, though we always have the list, I seem to remember a lot of things which are not in the list. I am the guilty one usually. But I am learning. 
• Most importantly, we have to be conscious about what we say about money (which is actually applicable for everything not just money) in front of the kids. Are we saying a 200-300 rupees toy is cheap? Are we buying block sets which cost few thousands, on a whim? Are we exhibiting similar trend in our own things - changing mobile phones frequently, buying expensive gadgets too often, ordering food from

  

  Image courtesy: ussparenting.com

  outside every other day?
• We must also explain when we buy expensive stuff why we are buying it and that we think it is expensive. In fact, we must explain how money ‘works’ to our kids at the earliest.         
• We should encourage the good-old habit of recycling and reusing. My son, in his enthusiasm, had torn apart quite a few of his board books. The first thought that came to my mind was buying him new ones, but I discarded the idea promptly realizing what lesson he would learn from this. So, I asked my husband to repair all of them, and my son continues to ‘read’ from them.  
• Be judicious in shopping for clothes. I have not shopped for his clothes at malls except for his first birthday. That too was on discount. The thing is if you visit a branded store, all clothes look so cute, one ends up buying more than necessary. So, we visit small, nearby stores for his cloth requirements. And I never buy too many because they outgrow very fast.
• I think we should take our kids to parks / museums / zoos more than Malls. First of all, it protects them from getting sucked into the mall culture (eating-shopping-playing) and offers more learning opportunities. 
•  My only problem area is books. I am passionate about books and buy a lot of them. I had decided to join a library and inculcate this habit in my son too.

Well, that’s the plan so far! Any suggestions?

I am discovering, with every passing day, that parenthood is a huge learning experience. Even my parents could not teach me things which I am learning because of my child J

Have We Discussed How To Raise Our Kids?

This post was first published on Parentous.

Disclaimer: My intention is not to annoy/offend any grandparent or parent but voice some common observations among family, friends circle and neighborhood.

It is common these days to find both parents working and kids being entrusted into the care of grandparents. But are we discussing the nitty-gritties of how we want to raise our children amongst us, the ones who are going to provide the primary care to the children? Are we all on the same page?

Few observations:

• One of my friends (more like an acquaintance) is a working mother to a 6 year old. Her child is with his grandparents the whole day when he is not at school. Left to himself, he would eat nothing which has any nutritional value (read wafers, biscuits, magi et al). On a holiday, he would be hooked to the TV either watching cartoons, or watching the unrealistic family dramas with his grandparents. He would sleep at midnight and wake up at whatever time he wants.
• I have seen little kids watching so-called saas bahu serials and crime-based shows with their grandparents for long hours (even actively discussing the plot). To make matters worse, these days the latest trend is of explicit content in TV-serials. As grown-ups we know what is real and what is shown to gain TRPs. But, do these kids have the wisdom or experience to differentiate between what is real and fictitious?
• I am very particular about the nutrition intake of my child, what he eats throughout the day. I have consciously kept him off the chocolates, biscuits, namkeens, other junk food, packaged juice, etc. During the day he eats what we eat for the main meals, while the in-between snacks are usually fruits, dry fruits, dalia, some cheese and on some rare occasions, glucose biscuits (if there is really nothing else). On the other hand, I have seen some grandparents giving the tiny tots biscuits, wafers, chocolates on demand because the kids would easily eat them. Of course, they would! Which kid would not? It is our responsibility to provide them nutrition. And slowly when they are hooked to the junk food, not finding anything else tasty, then the kids are called ‘spoilt’! I don’t think the kids are to be blamed here at all.
• The habit of eating while watching TV is a poor habit. It takes your attention away from the food and you don’t enjoy your food as you should. I have seen this happening in kids. They stop enjoying their food, and would do it only while watching TV so that they are not aware of what is going in their mouth, sometimes even spoon-fed by the grandparents.

In my humble opinion, even if the parents are delegating the responsibility of the child to someone else, there must be a set of rules, thoroughly discussed and properly communicated. Many grandparents are offended if you point out too many things because they feel they have done the job and have more experience. It is important that the parents address the issue tactfully on how they want to raise their child.

I am keen to know your thoughts.

I would like to repeat that in no way I want to point fingers at the grandparents because they are supposed to pamper. It is our responsibility as parents to discuss how we want to raise our kids. However, if we choose to raise our kids in this way then that is another matter altogether.