Although right now I’m completely off books, the last book which I was reading was “If we are so much in Love, Why aren’t we Happy?”. The first thing you would think, or everybody would think when they find me reading this book is -- am I not happy? I am Happy, very Happy. I have every reason to be happy, but when sometimes silly things lead to heated arguments, when stupid questions lead to bigger questions, when something unwarranted slips out of your mind and you regret never to have said that, when you say so many things without thinking; you realize are we giving too much importance to smaller and unimportant things?
I picked up this book because I genuinely wanted to know, where are we wrong? Why we end up arguing without wanting to do so? I have read a couple of pages and one thing which has come out very strongly is, we are wrong when we start expecting others to change. The first thing which we should accept is nobody and nothing is going to change, if we are looking at change, we should step towards changing ourselves. It also says that loving somebody should be spiritual and not transactional. When we say – “I love you”, it actually means I love you irrespective of what you do, but what we actually end up doing is that “I love you and you should also love me”. The book tells you to let the other person be himself and do what he/she wants to do. It tells you to take this experiment and not try to change the other person but bring that change in yourself. Do not love other person expecting that he should do what you like him to do. Yeah, it is very easy in theory and equally difficult in practice, because we are so used to it.
Even before reading this book, I used to think why we start imposing “Dos” and “Don’ts” to other people? Letting other people be themselves is the greatest form of love. Do you understand what you are giving him by doing that? You are giving him the freedom to enjoy life as he wants to. And why not? Love should be liberating!
The book says it is difficult to do that in the beginning but once you get used to it, it gives an unmatched joy to you as well. The fact that you are a source of unconditional love to somebody is in itself very blissful and beautiful.
It is not our fault. The problem is we have always been conditioned to consider everything as transactional, and we have never known any other way. Look at us, even when we pray we silently tell God, please give me a job and I’ll give you 100 coconuts! And we assume this is the right way! It is just one way; there could be other ways as well. Needless to say, we are transactional in all our relationships.
The book also says that it is not necessary that both people needs to do certain things to make a relationship work. This experiment requires only one person to start loving the other person spiritually. If both people are doing that, it is an ideal situation but even one person can bring a lot of change in a relationship.
I would love to try that and I think it would be the greatest gift to anybody that one can give, that you love him unconditionally.